Excuse me? You want me to what?

We we driving yesterday in rural New Zealand. Lovely drive, just a 5 hour stint from 90 Mile Beach to Auckland. On the way (I won't say where) we passed a hand painted sign, with an arrow on it pointing to a house. The sign said, and I kid you not, "Hypnotherapy".



Now who in their right mind is driving along, and sees this sign, and decides, "you now what, I could really use some hypnotherapy right now". The person driving has decided they don't need a toilet stop, or food - what they really need is hyponotherapy.

And if they did stop, what are they going to be asking to by hypnotised for? "Please can you make me slow down? I'm only one ticket away from losing my license". Or perhaps "help me avert my eyes from all these fast food joints, I'm already obese".

Can you imagine a family on holiday driving along, and the Dad says..."that's it! I've had enough of you kids and your 'are we there yet?' - we are going to get you hpnotised as soon as I find the next roadside hypnotherapist".

What scares me more though was the sign. It wasn't just hand painted, it looked like it was hand painted by a 5 year-old. This sign screamed D.O.D.G.Y. I can just see Stephen King driving past this sign and thinking, "Hello! This is a best seller idea. Oh how I love that sign".

So a letterbox is like what, Fort Knox?

I had to renew my driver's license the other day. With me I had to take 2 forms of ID, a scraping of skin, a retina scan, my mother's maiden name etc etc. It took so much to prove I was me it was not funny.

But here's the funny thing; So I've fronted up with all this information, proof of my address etc, and how do I get my new license? In the post. Yes, that bastion of security - the letterbox - is how my so-hard-to-get license will be sent to me. You would think I would have to pick it up (with yet more forms of ID) or at least a signature required couirer. But no, the postie gets it, then dumps it in your letterbox. She (or I guess, he) doesn't even check to see if you are home.

Nope - dump and run, and if some kid comes along and checks out your mail before you get home, well, that's security for ya. Can you imagine if someone else picked up your license before you got home..oh the paperwork to get a new one. They'd probably need a blood sample for that form.

2nd post for today! I am so on a roll

This one came to me the other day but I forgot about it, because it's just so forgettable.
Telstra Clear - it's a huge company, massive, got loads of cash for PR, advertising etc...we are probably talking millions budgeted for PR campaigns.

Recently (ok, last year or so) they must have decided to change their company slogan, mainly I guess because the old one was just forgettable that I can't remember it. Time for a change! Let's get funky Telstra Clear staff and come up with some awesome, inspiring slogan that will embed the thoughts of Telstra Clear into everyone's minds!

So they get together with some PR company (I'm just guessing this bit) and and tell them what they want, awe inspiring, new age, futuristic, hip, funky etc etc etc. The list of cliches just goes on and on. They agree on a dollar amount for this PR company to come up with a new slogan...what? $100,000? $250,000? The PR company goes away, maybe to some exclusive retreat to brain storm to the max, let's come up with this awe inspiring new catch phrase people!

And what does Teltra Clear get for its new line? Wait for it...

Now's Good.

Oh My God doesn't it just rip your underpants off it's so good! Not. Is this the best they could do? What were the other options? Telstra Clear, We Have No Idea, or maybe even Telstra Clear, No Common Sense Here.

Now's Good?? For what? To leave TC and go and find another telecoms provider? Now's Good...oh the PR company must have been laughing when they banked that cheque. Maybe this is what really happened...one of the PR guys goes home, and his wife asks, "dear, when do you want your dinner?" and he says, "Now's Good" and then it hits him like a bullet! That's it!

Now's Good. Come on TC - I could have come up with something ten times as good for half the money...I await your email. Don't want to email me, now's good. Doh!

What is it with people and actors?

Ok we all condemn China for its actions in Tibet today, but now Richard Gere (yes, the actor) is calling for a boycott of the upcoming Olympics because of it. And Richard Gere is an authority on this because?

Come on people! He's a bloody actor! Why is it when an actor says something, we are supposed to sit up and take notice of every word, and do the action recommended by said actor?

Here's my definition of an actor: the best liar in the world. That's pretty much it - these people are paid humongous amounts of cash to lie their asses off by pretending to be someone else, as best as they can. And yet as soon as some world crisis comes, they take a stand and want us to believe them? I think not.

For this example, I just can't see the connection between Richard Gere and China or Tibet, other than the fact that Dirty Dancing was probably sold there with crappy subtitles.

Here's another crazy one: Arnold Schwarzenegger is now Governor of California because people liked him because he lied so well. He lied in Terminator, Terminator 2, Conan - he has lied in all his movies. Hey don't get me wrong, I love some of his movies and I know he lies because that's his job as an actor, but to vote him for Governor?

This is as bad as people worshiping sportsmen and sportswomen....ok, I'd like kids to look up to them and their commitment to their desired sport, but heroes? Heroes they ain't. A hero is someone who risks their lives unselfishly and without financial incentive.

Ok [rant off], will get off my soapbox now. Thanks....let the abuse begin.

Starving children....how many is too many?

Oh this is so going to get me so busted. There are just too many PC people out there who are not going to like what I am going to say, but I'm gonna say it because it's been bugging me for freakin years now.

Here we go....for years and years and years and years and, well, decades, we have been bombarded by visions of 3rd world countries with children starving to death; 10,000 per day etc etc. This has gone on for so long I can't even remember when it started.

If this many children are starving to death over so a long period, why the hell aren't we concentrating much more on contraception than we are on actually feeding all these children?

Isn't the current plan more of that classic ambulance at the bottom of the hill? Why not start at the beginning and stop these people having so many bloody children and then work on feeding the millions that are starving? And if the parents don't know why they keep having babies, someone needs to tell them the facts of life and just how babies are made.

Honestly - I really think that they don't know that by putting column A into slot B is going to make babies. If they know that already, and they know they don't have any food to feed unwanted babies, then we need to start castrating a few million males in these countries - voluntarily of course!

I hope you can see where I'm coming from...I'm not a bad person really, but senseless death is bad. Stop having children if you can't feed them - how simple is that? Jeez even a few million condoms may be of more use than sending yet more rice. Perhaps the rice is some sort of aphrodisiac...I just don't why these people keep having more children they can't feed.

Hang on I've got the answer and it's just so simple. Give every home in these countries a television (or two) and a lifetime subscription to a sports channel...that sure will fix any boredom!

Where can I buy some aeroplane brakes?

So here I am - second plane flight in two weeks, off for work. It's a small plane - one of those ones with a single propellor on each wing.
I'm sitting in the seat that's next to the wing. The pilot I assume is up the front, one foot on the clutch and the other on the brake.
Now these propellors are spinning at what? 20,000 revolutions per minute? And the plane is just sitting there. How on earth is this possible? The chocks have been pulled, and there is all this forward thrust from the props, and yet still the plane doesn't move while the pilot warms the engines up.
What I'm now thinking is, I want these brakes for my car! Can you imagine it? Your doing 140, coming up hard to a hairpin and slam! Brakes on, no drama, now I'm doing 35 in a split second. Sure my eyeballs are now hanging on my face, forced from their sockets, but at least I didn't crash.
And yeah ok the kids have been slammed into the windscreen, torn from their seatbelts, but we made the turn. No doubt there is some government department that would be against is though. You wouldn't think it would be bad to have the best brakes in the world, but I bet they'd be quick to pass a law on aeroplane brakes in cars. After all, trucks have air brakes? It's just one more little step, after all...

Is Sea World a good Career Choice?

Ok well took the family along to see the dolphins, seals, morays etc etc and of course you can't go to Sea World in San Diego without going to the Shamu Orca show.
Fantastic, yada yada yada would recommend it to anyone.

But hang on - they have staff who pretty much live with these Orca - saves them being eaten - and train them to do nice jumps and splash the crowd.

Yes all well and good, but is this a Good Career Choice? Think about it - say your Orca dies for whatever reason (bored shitless is a distinct possibility), and you are pretty much out of a job since you haven't bonded with any other spare Orca. So here you are, you've spent 10 years since High School training one Orca and now it's dead. What are your options here? Sure you could be one of those people who walk about during the show and sell all sorts of crap merchandise, but if you didn't want to do that? What if you felt like you needed to leave the Sea World Family altogether, because hey it just hurts too much what with your Orca dying and all.

So you pop along to the emplyoment office to check out the openings for Orca Trainers. I'm laying down $100 right now - there aren't going to be any. So you scan the lists of available jobs, and really, your options here are limited at best.

Let's run with a standard job for a while -say you went along to McDonalds and applied for a job - any job, as you are now broke as well as sad. You make it to the interview stage and front up all nice and tidy - and even though you really wanted to, you didn't even wear your black and white, slinky tight-fitting wetsuit.
Your name is called and in you go.
"Hello Miss Jones, I'm Mr Smith. Welcome to your interview."
"Thanks Mr Smith, I'm so happy to be here."
"Great. Let's get on with it then. On your application where it says 'customer service experience' you have written 'extensive'. Could you elaborate please?".
"Sure I can. As it says my previous occupation was an Orca Trainer. Everyday, twice a day in Summer, I would ride my Orca in front of the crowds and they would clap; it was wonderful. The audience and I had a great time."
"Yes ok I see. Let's try something else. Say you have a grumpy customer come in - how would you handle it?"
"I'd tell him that if he didn't start behaving, I would either not give him any fish at all or worse I'd take his toys off him. That'll teach him."
"Yes ok right. Miss Jones, do you have any other helpful experience?"
"Well I thought that being an Orca Trainer would set me up for life. Are you saying this is not the case?"
"You are correct. Actually, we don't get many Orca coming in off the street at all. Prettty much we just get humans."
"What - no Orca at all? Hmmm. I wonder if it's because you have Filet o Fish burgers? This could well be hindering your ability to get Orca in the door."
"No, I believe the real reason is that Orca can't walk or survive out of water."
"Oh, yes that could also be a good reason. What about dolphins? Do you get many dolphins in the restaurant"?
"No, as I say humans are our main clientele. Mind you with the state some of them leave the toilet in, it's possible some are inhuman. Miss Jones, thanks for coming in. We'll call you."
"Ok thanks. If you do get Orca starting to visit, you know who to call."
"Sure we will, you will be first on the list."

Well ok that may be a *little* extreme but you get my drift.

And hey can you imagine some chick, she's an Orca Trainer and her boyfriend breaks up with her.
"Oh Michael that's fine, I understand it's you and not me. Hey tell you what, just to show how I'm not worried about you breaking up with me, why don't you come along after hours and go for that swim with Killer, just like you always wanted to but weren't allowed. I'll make sure no one is around so it will be just you and me and Killer. What do you say?"

I rest my case.

Mad Max - oh really?

Was thinking the other day about the movie, Mad Max...as you do.

I can finally see the huge plot hole in this movie - it's been bugging me since 1979 and recently at 3am I shot up out of bed (not really) with the answer to the mystery.

Picture the plot: it's the future, there's no oil left and what oil you can find (and fight for), you can keep. But here's the thing: there's buggar all petrol left and what do all the villains and heroes drive? Big, fat, huge gas-guzzling V8 behemoths that must do all of 3 miles to the gallon.

Picture yourself in the future scene - would you be driving these car-tanks, basically going from one fight for petrol to the next, or would everyone be driving scooters, mopeds (or the rich ones with Toyota Priuses) and treading *real* lightly with the right foot.

Ok - it wouldn't be much of a movie and I expect it wouldn't have the cult following it does, but it just makes much more sense.

Holden Monaro with a 460 cubic inch supercharged nitrous injected V8 or hybrid Prius...who's gonna win the miles per gallon war now?